21st Century Technology
19th Century Hucksters
Most hair growth products don’t work because they suffer from the same shortcoming: they are just too darn cheap. You can’t expect to cure a stubborn problem like baldness for fifty bucks.
Enter the “Bicycle Helmet,” or as it is known in the pseudo-scientific community, the BX3.4. (As you may have guessed, the previous 3.3 model is an ineffective piece of crap that should be buried in a landfill immediately.)
You can be sure that the French BX3.4 is worthwhile because of its prestigious price tag of $900. You could probably find it for a bit less but, again, aren’t you defeating the whole concept by even looking?
Have you heard of electromagnetic rays? Well, they actually exist, according to physicists, most of whom are Scorpios. The BX3.4 beams those electromagnetic rays into the scalp, convincing previously slumbering follicles to push out hair so fast, you’ll be changing hat sizes every day and a half.
Does it actually work? According to the manufacturer, the battery-powered, non-invasive BX3.4 is perfectly safe since EM rays are 1000 times weaker than those from a cell phone. (Using a cell phone is definitely not recommended, what with the brain tumors and all.)
Even though the helmet does all the hard work, you’ll probably want to keep buying, if not using, the “pure essential oils” sold by the manufacturer to keep your scalp nimble and receptive to stimulaue from outer space.
Owners of the BX3.4 rate themselves as “completely satisfied” because, once you’ve paid $900 for a bicycle helmet, you are damn sure not going to complain about it.
But wait, there’s more!
Speaking of mysterious rays, how much do you know about lasers? Not that much? Great, because then you’ll be free of painful skepticism when you learn about HairMax, a patented Laser Photo Therapy device (comb with a low-level laser).
Using the process of “photo-bio stimulation,” Hairmax delivers light energy that “awakens the individual hair follicle.” The result is “healthier, thicker and more vibrant hair.”
Uh, excuse me sir, did you say that the Hairmax grows hair?
Listen closely: the hair follicle is awakend, and your hair is thicker. Two separate events. It’s almost like they’re being very careful not to say that Hairmax grows hair. But waking up a hair follicle has to be a good thing, right? It certainly won’t grow hair while it’s sleeping!
Hairmax does tout that it is the first and only home use medical device with FDA Class II clearance to promote hair growth.
Sorry, sir, but does that mean the government agrees that Hairmax grows hair?
(Mimicking you in a high, squeaky voice) No it doesn’t mean that Hairmax grows hair. It means that, because there was a similar product in the past that was not prohibited, Hairmax may be marketed, but without any implication that the federal government endorses any claims of effectiveness.
In case you don’t believe that a home medical device with a very limited government “clearance” for marketing, would actually work, you are welcome to spend many thousands of dollars at hair growth clinics where the same low-level laser technology is applied via impressively large machines operated by technicians in white lab coats.
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